Head vs. Heart

This is a blog post topic that's been swimming around in my mind for quite some time now. I was watching TV one day (shocker) and someone had asked someone else if they were the type of person that leads with their head or their heart. P.S. You're welcome for that insanely detailed explanation as to how this blog post came about. I should really start writing shit down at the time I'm thinking of it.

Anyway, that simple little question got me thinking about which way I tend to lean. Which way have  I gone in the past? Which way am I currently going about things right now? 

Do I think things through first, taking them slow so I that I can weigh out all the positives and negatives in my head and know I'm in a solid (and more importantly safe) place before I decide to let my heart catch up? Do I do the logical thing and listen to the signs and the clues and the black and white instead of letting myself get swept up into the emotional part of it all? Orrr do I push all that "real life rational" talk straight out the window and just dive right in with my heart strapped front and center onto my sleeve?

I think we've probably figured out by now that I do the latter.

But the weird thing about me is that I only usually choose heart when it comes to relationships. Anything else is all head. Analytical, thought out, reasonable, decision making. Why I have such a disconnect when it comes to dating, I'll never know. But it's definitely a pattern I've come to realize about myself over the years.

First off their was my first ever boyfriend. Remember the dickwad that was allergic to monogamy and cheated and lied and I stuck around for years being a bat shit crazy lunatic? Yeah that was obviously all heart since any head that had even an inch of brain matter could have known to run like a gazelle on Animal Planet straight on out of that lion's den. 

Then their was my hunkfest Tinder relationship when I blogged about my "Biggest Confession to Date". Which was just simply that I had a real life boyfriend. Because up until last August, I'd really only ever had one official guy (the dickwad) that was ever given that title from me. Obviously I dated (a lot) but no real Facebook official (ha!) boyfriends. What can I say, I'm a picky ass bitch. But anyway, that was obviously all heart too since we met him on Tinder after a night of way too many margaritas and were officially dating about a month later, even though I saw a red flag from the very first week. But the mushy gushy heart took hold so I pushed the black right on out and tried to hold on to the white. Obviously that couldn't last forever though, so neither did we.

And that, as we all know, takes us to right on over to Charlotte shortly after all of that ended. I never really got into that relationship on my blog too much, though. Partly because I knew how much it sucked to parade a romance across a screen for a couple months just to have to write a break up post about it shortly after. But also partly because in the way way way back of my head, I wasn't sure it would ever last anyway. 

Cough, there's your sign Erin, cough. 

But regardless, the thing with Charlotte that no one ever knew was that we had dated before. He lived in the city before moving to Charlotte right around the same time I started flying there. So we actually had a really long history of off and on dating beforehand. It wasn't some break up with one and find a new one a day later type of love story. It was more of a "we've tried this a few times before but never took it seriously and I think we might actually just love each other so let's give this one a real life shot" kind of thing. And there went my heart sprinting off into lala land hoping to hell that it would actually work that last time. We know now that it didn't and we know now that it shattered my heart into little tiny pieces. But I should have known that before it ever started. And I probably did know that, but guess who the dingbat was over here that turns her head off whenever she starts dating someone. Oh hey, that'd be me.

And that brings us to now. Where I, yet again, am asking myself what the hell is wrong with me for letting my heart wander along on its merry way doing whatever it wants without thinking logically through any of it.

But the thing here is that even though I've gotten my heart broken and even though I've broken a couple others by doing things the heart way, I would still never choose to do it the head way. Yeah, if I leaned more towards what my brain was telling me instead of what my heart wanted, I might not have dated the one that made me psycho, or the one with the red flag, or gotten myself into a relationship that I knew could shatter me, but I'd still do it all over again in a heartbeat. And from here on out I'll probably still be doing it the same way.

I don't really care that I just wrote a break up post a month and a half ago. I don't really care that it might be a little nuts to already be pasting that crazy heart of mine right back onto my sleeve again.

Because the only way I know that I'll never regret something is if I pursue it with everything I've got. If I let my head cloud my emotions and hold me back, then am I really giving it everything I've got? Am I really actually even being me? I don't want to be cautious. I'm cautious in every single other decision I make in life. But in love, I want to be reckless. And one day, being reckless by throwing my heart straight into the fire and hoping for the best might just actually turn out to be perfect.

But what do you do? Do you lead with your head or your heart?

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