Well I'm alive. I guess. It's been a week and a half since I've shown face around here and let me tell ya, it was definitely needed. Heartbreak is serious, guys, holy heck. I've been through breakups before but this one pretty much took the sunshine straight out of my sky. And that is never, ever, okay. If only we could shut off the part of our brains that produce certain memories, right? Then I could actually listen to the radio, or see things pertaining to North Carolina, or come into contact with anything that reminds me of him without wanting to go run and hide under the covers for two months. Yikes.
I took a few days of drinking and snuggling with Whitney and then a couple more in the comfort of home with my family and now things are starting to turn around a bit. I'm getting more towards the point of things being less "holy shit that was my whole future, my life plan" to "holy shit that was a dumb ass move on your part, don't regret it". And that is always, always, okay. So I will be fine and life will go on and I will continue to strut through the streets in my Hunter boots with my face towards the sun. Woosah.
The only real problem here is that whole "So what's next?" question everyone (including myself) has been asking me ever since doomsday went down last week. Because I'm pretty sure it was obvious by now that my life plans were a tad bit on hold this summer until my relationship plans were figured out. Destination: Charlotte or "Wherever the Hell he Was" being at the top of my "hopeful plans" list, and then once that move happened it would be game on figuring out what it is I really want to do with my life in terms of a career.
But now I have a destination and a career to figure out all on my own, and that has been causing my head to spin faster than the tilt-a-whirl at your country fair. It's both exciting and terrifying at the same time. To basically have the entire world out there as a possibility for your future. It's quite daunting.
So I've broken it down into a few options that are currently swimming around in this little head of mine.
1. New York City
This is the absolute easiest possibility on the table right now. I can go back to my apartment anytime I want since I'm currently subleasing to a friend who knows I could want to come back at anytime. All my furniture is there. All of my new living room decor is there. I'd just need to bring all of my clothes back and boom, I'm set. I also have about four different families that want me to nanny for them that are basically just waiting on me to decide if I'm coming back to Manhattan or not. So there it is, a job and an apartment right there waiting for me.
But here's the thing: I'm sick of New York. So sick of New York. I said I wanted a change a month or two ago and that's still the case. Do I want to go back to my old life if it's not exciting me just because it's easy and readily available and waiting for me? I don't know.
2. Stay Here
Here being home. My parents' home. Half of me says yikes and half of me says comfort. I've really loved being home for the time that I've been here so far this summer. Plus fall in Upstate is amazing and that quickly turns into the holidays when I love being home anyway, so it'd be a good time to be here for a little while. I could work and have time for my blog while saving money. I could also take a couple graphic design classes at the local college around here. Being home wouldn't be the worst thing in the world since I've been away since I was 18, but still, do I REALLY want to live at home with my parents at 25? I really don't know.
My nanny family has wanted me to move there with them since before they had even told me they were moving there. They'd take me in a heartbeat, I'd have a brand new little three month old to start taking care of, and I'd have one hell of a life experience. Half of me is scared shitless of this idea and the other half thinks to myself, self, why in the HELL not?! You only get one life here on this earth so why not shake up the universe and go live it? So this could definitely be a contender. I'd just prefer for there not to be a full blown war going on over there right now. We shall see.
4. A Brand New Place
And then the last part of me wants to just pick everything up and move somewhere completely new and start fresh. Set out a map and plop my finger down just about anywhere. Work my ass off to find a job, find an apartment, make new friends, experience new things. I'm not sure what I'd do or where I'd go, but this option makes my heart jump up and down. The only problem is you need a bit of money to do this and I'm not sure if I'm ready to drain a savings account for a chance at something new.
And that's where I'm at right now. A big clusterfuck. But I'm excited!