A Trip to Chipotle and What You Should Be Ordering

Umm so you know how yesterday was "Halfway to Christmas Day"? No? Well it was. And holiday obsessed crazies like me celebrate stupid things like that. 

But anyway, fast forward to today and it's basically like Christmas arrived six months, err, six months minus one day, early. Because did you not just see all of those pictures of Chipotle up there? And did your stomach not just do a couple cartwheels and then proceed to yell at your brain to direct you to the nearest Chipotle immediately after? Because that's certainly what mind did. And if I'm going to go all out and post more than just one picture of my Chipotle love affair in this blog post, then I might as well just make the entire thing about that love affair.

And that, my friends, is basically like Christmas. 

So Chipotle came crashing into my life almost five years ago when I moved to Manhattan to start interning at Donna Karan. My boss wanted me to pick up her lunch for her one day and on that day she ordered a burrito bowl from Chipotle. Being the Mexican food lover that I am, I ordered myself one too. Amazement. Blissful. Magical. My life was forever changed. If my useless fashion degree gave me anything in life, it was my introduction to Chipotle.

Nothing compares, so don't even try to fight me on this one and comment saying Moe's or Qdoba, or this new Tijuana Flats that I've been hearing about, is better. It's not. Go home, you're drunk. But stop at Chipotle on the way.

To my shock, though, there are quite a few individuals walking this planet that have never tried this deliciousness, and to that I just say "What in the actual hell is wrong with you?" It's like those YouTube videos where the shelter dog gets adopted and finally gets to go outside and smell the fresh air and piss on the grass for the first time. Euphoric. That's how I imagine any Chipotle virgins feel after I direct them into losing their v-card.

But whenever I try to give these crazy virgins a little nudge in the right direction, they always tell me that they're intimidated by all the choices and wouldn't know what to order. Which to that my reply lately has been "I'm going to write a blog post about it, stay tuned." So that's why we're finally here talking about Chipotle. Phew, longest lead in to a post in the history of ever, but hey, when it's about my favorite food on earth I can drag this shit out as long as I like.

So let's take a little spin down the buffet line so I can walk you through this.

First off, my suggestion is to order the burrito bowl. This is mainly because I don't like floury/doughy food items and tortillas fit into that category so I would never opt for an actual burrito when you can just spill all those guts into a bowl and use a fork. They also have tacos, which I love, but if you're going to pay eight something dollars for a meal you're going to want all the food you can get, and the bowl gives way more than the three little shells do.

So burrito bowl, check.

Once you got that down, they'll ask you if you want white or brown rice. I like to live on the edge of obesity, because YOLO, so I go with the white.

Then black or pinto beans. I go black. Because I've never gone back. Or something.

Then they'll ask you what kind of meat you want. For years, seriously three years, I got chicken. Every damn time, I would get the chicken. So if you want to keep it safe then get that. The steak is also good. But if you want your stomach to get the chance to feel what a vagina feels like for once in it's life, get the barbacoa (BAR-BUH-CO-UH). It's shredded beef and it is orgasmic. Hence the vagina reference. (What is wrong with me today?) So do me a solid and choose the barbacoa as your meat option. You won't regret it. Unless you're a vegetarian.

Then you get to the salsas. Every Chipotle worker in the history of ever has always picked up the spoon for the mild salsa assuming I want it. But guess what, I don't like tomatoes unless they're very small in salsa and Chipotle's mild salsa or pico de gallo or whatever is solely chunky ass tomatoes. Gross. I assume people that aren't psychotic about their food gets it though, so you probably should too. But me? I just go straight to the roasted corn salsa.

And P.S. YOU WANT THE ROASTED CORN SALSA. You even want to ask for double and maybe go so far as to ask to take the entire tub to go. If you take one thing away from this post it would be to get the roasted corn salsa. Order a bowl of just roasted corn salsa for all I care, just fucking get the roasted corn salsa.

Then there's your obvious topping choices like sour cream, cheese, lettuce, and guacamole. P.S. the only bad thing about Chipotle is that they know everyone's addicted to it so they can keep their prices steep and know people will still buy it regardless. It's like some sort of Breaking Bad blue meth shit going on or something. Anyway, the guac costs extra. I don't really love their guac, or love spending 12 dollars on a meal, so I never get it. Your meal will taste delicious without it so don't hem and haw over it for too long. You have a meal to eat remember?

Last but not least, they ask if you'd like any chips or a drink or a margarita or a Corona (yes they have alcohol) and you say "I'll take a cup for water (because soda is bad for you guys) and chips (because you just chose the healthy drink option so you should obviously balance it out with a bag of sodium). 

Then you proceed to house the entire bowl in one single sitting. And you will preferably be using the chips as your utensil to shovel the goodness into your mouth while doing so. Because forks are for basic bitches. Then you will wonder how all of that food ever fit into your belly in the first place. Then you will determine that you're three months pregnant. Congrats! Then you will tweet me and say "Erin. Go to hell. You just introduced me to crack and I already want to go back." And I will say you're welcome, young padawan, my work here is done.

The end.

Holy hell, this was the longest blog post of my entire life. But in a nutshell, here's what I order at Chipotle. You know, in case you were smart and bypassed all of the words and went straight for the visual aids.

Now go run to your nearest Chipotle to order up some heaven. And tell them to start paying me for all the revenue I bring them from getting innocent people addicted to their food.

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