Insert Obligatory Oscar Recap Title Here

So the Oscars happened last night. I know, you're just as shocked as I am about this. You're probably even more shocked that you're reading yet another recap of everything that went down too, right? I thought so. But since this little event basically took over my entire day, I'm going to have to follow the crowd and discuss it today. I'll keep it short and sweet, though. It is Monday after all, and we all know how I feel about that pesky bitch of a day.

First up, I had to throw a party. Because anything that I can turn into a festive extravaganza will be turned into just that. It's just the way I'm built. P.S. St. Patrick's Day is in exactly two weeks, prepare yourselves. Anyway, I was scrounging around on Pinterest early yesterday morning because that was about the only option I had available after suffering an injury to my foot Saturday night (more on that tomorrow, maybe) and not being able to walk. Second weekend in a row I've had an excuse to do nothing but morph into the comfort of my couch cushions. I can't say I've hated it.

And I digress from my lazy tendencies…

"Oscar parties" were searched in Pinterest to provide some necessary inspiration, and about an hour  and quite a few limps and hops on one leg later, I had managed to DIY my way into having some handmade sparkly excitement. Because I obviously needed some friends to accompany the glass of wine and bag of popcorn that were calling my name. It's only logic, people.

I settled in and was ready for the E! Red Carpet Countdown to take over my life and Twitter feed for the next three hours. And boy did it ever take over my Twitter feed. I think I may officially boycott myself from ever live tweeting an event again. 

It might be more beneficial to just sit back in the shadows and actually get to read other people's Twits and Twats. Oh and maybe be able to keep my eyes glued to the show for longer than 30 second intervals. And be able to put my phone down to take a bite of food. And pee without living in fear of missing the most tweeted about moment of the event. And be able to calm myself down after it's over so that my brain can shut down and go to sleep. Should I keep going here? 

Didn't think so. Onto the fashion, aka the only reason I really watch the Oscars.

I was honestly, hands down, without a doubt, so confused by all of this. Beige, cream, neutral, tan, off white: the red carpet looked like the Caucasian side of the box of skin tone Crayola's I once had as a kid. Combine the same color tome on twenty different celebrities with the fact that every single one was also beaded and we have ourselves the most boring trend to ever walk that ruby red mile of velvety goodness. Yawns were contagiously catapulted all over the world last night. 

The only one out of this entire bunch that I actually liked was Giuliana's, and boy did she make sure we saw it. If you possibly managed to not see it in one of her 7,000 Instagrams and tweets then I'll need to take hold of your hand and direct you to 1-800-CONTACTS along with Mr. John "I no read well" Travolta. But the dress... It was half "I wish I was at Sochi pulling off triple axels with Gracie Gold" and half "I got married but I never wore a princessy tulle ball gown so I'm going to now because I'm rich and I'm at the Oscars and I can do just that". And I will always and forever be okay with both of those frames of mind. Well done, G.

These were my favorite looks of the night. Charlize was stunning in this body forming black number. It hugged her in all the right places and she stood out ten fold amongst the sea of beaded creams. 

Of all said beaded creams, Jenna won. I loved the sheerness at the top and the featheriness at the bottom even more. Plus HELLO one year post-baby! 

And then we have Lupita, which was by far the most fun name to type out and hear all night long. She is a princess that one. And her Prada gown? To. Freaking. Die. For. I just don't think she looked good in the dress, nor did the dress look good on her. Sue me, but the two just didn't mesh. Plus, I once had a headband just like hers. It was the year 1999 and I got it from Claire's. Try again, girlfriend. But Lupita and her speech and her demeanor were ab-suh-lute-ly (in the words of Kelly Osborne) impeccable. Forget Miley, she's a role model for young women. 

Oh and how could we forget Kate? Oh Kate, what I wouldn't give to be as golden and goddess-like as you. This woman is as flawless as a newborn babe's butt cheek. If only we could have all been birthed by Goldie...

It seriously pains me so deep to my core to say this, but, Anna disappointed me so hard. I consider this girl my spirit animal. She just seems so real and down to earth. Yet her gown choice was so ugly and down to be destroyed by Joan in a matter of minutes. Thick piping, mesh, midriff cutouts, awkward red beaded flowers, ruffles, a slit, an entire team of designers regretting putting every possible neckline onto one dress. So disappointing, Anna, I expect better from you.

If any of you have have ever been so tired on a Monday morning that you've contemplated just taking your bed to work with you, Kerry has shown you what it'll look like. I mean, I get that you're pregnant, so major props to you for even walking the red carpet… but that's not really an excuse to choose to wear a purple tent. Just take a look at Kristin Cavallari if you disagree and need proof. 

Penelope Cruz: I just simply cannot and will not do black belts on pink dresses. It brings me straight back to the days of Avril Levigne. I realize this makes absolute zero sense, but then again fashion doesn't make much of that either.

And then we have the actual awards, which would have been a straight up snoozefest had it not been for Ellen. I could honestly watch that woman stir a pot of air and be entertained. From the jokes about Jennifer Lawrence falling, to the pizza, to the celeb selfie, to the Glinda dress; Ellen Degeneres can do no wrong. And even if she does, you'll still at least get a good belly workout while watching her do it. 

But what did you think? Who were your best/worst dressed? Did you cry puddles when Leo didn't win?

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