A Screaming Mind and Boiling Blood

Because essays for posts need at least one selfie. No that's not right, is it?

So many thoughts yet no idea how to put them to paper in any sort of cohesive manner. Don't you hate that? When your brain is just stuck there somewhere in limbo? Somewhere between having a hundred and one things to say yet also having no idea how to say them. It's like your mind is screaming at you in all directions telling you to just sit your ass down and let it all flow out. Because any way of removing all the chaos from that clogged up brain drain of yours will be beneficial, no matter how much sense it makes to anyone else.

So here I am today, letting my brain scream the bleeding contents of my chaos into this blank space. Ready or not, here I come...

People are cruel. Society is disappointing. Humanity is fucked up. It's something I've brushed a few paint strokes on in the past, but something I've never really gone into much detail about. Although lately, it has seemed more prevalent, at least for me personally, so here we are. 

Half of me, well, 99% of me has no desire at all to even dwell on the negative. I tend to be pretty content and confident in everything I do with my life. I haven't experienced many hardships. I have the best family I could ever ask for. My friends are loyal and loving. I live comfortably in one of the most expensive cities in the world. My job brings me joy every single day. And I can walk down the streets of Manhattan jamming out to "Happy" and actually feel, well, happy. Because I honestly, wholeheartedly am. Life is good, real good. And I have no qualms about saying that because everyone should be saying that, and if they aren't they should be striving like heck to get there so they can start.

But being completely content with life doesn't make the negative dust that will inevitably be blown your way fall right off your back without ever leaving its mark first. Biting comments will hurt anyone with a warm heartbeat; it's just human nature. So I don't feel completely out of place for becoming a little unbalanced when I read or hear things being said about me that bring along a little sting with them. It's only normal. 

The comments themselves aren't the ones that get me so worked up, though. I mean most of them are just plain silly, others are opinions that were formed because someone took something I said a little too literally (seriously people, 87.6% of the crap I say on here is to be taken with not just a grain of salt but the entire damn rim of your margarita glass, so lighten up a bit), a few are downright rude and uncalled for, a couple others are actually true, and there are even a select few that stop me in my tracks and make me say, hmm, maybe I should heed that advice (even if it is completely unsolicited and handed to me via the worst vehicle ever).

Yes, some hurt. Yes, I care more than I should. And yes, most of the time I want to reply just so that I can have the opportunity to explain myself in hopes of them understanding where I'm coming from. But then I slap myself back to reality. Because it's not so much the comments that make me outraged. It's more so the fact that there are actual humans, just like me and you, out there formulating and posting these comments. It honestly blows the hell out of everything logically sound in my mind. 

Ukraine and Putin fighting for control of Crimea should be blowing my mind right now. The real world happenings that actually matter, that will actually impact history should be occupying that space. Yet here I am, fucking writing about how unfortunate souls that I don't even know are affecting my mind. That's seriously so disturbing. Which makes me feel like erasing every word I've just written here because it's all filled with trivial nonsense.

I've always said that I'd be honest in this space, though, and what's honestly bothering me personally doesn't concern Russia. It concerns the random hate being spewed across the interwebs.

I totally get that whole "diving into a blog post and then ending up with a resounding 'WTF' as soon as you come up for air" thing. I completely understand disliking so and so because she seems phony. I get looking at a fashion blogger's outfit and thinking "uhh she really probably shouldn't have worn that with hips like those". I can relate to wanting to stab my eardrums out with an unfolded paperclip over having to listen to one more vlog from a certain someone who has a certain voice of screeching death. I even get talking shit about a blogger you don't really like to one of your friends. 

Because guess what, this is all human nature too. We're never going to completely leave the mean girls lunch table back in high school. It's normal. And I'm not going to lie - I've done, felt, or thought every single one of those things up there. I even tend to agree with half the crap comments I read.

But what's not normal? And what's not okay? Choosing to spread all of this hate on a public forum for the world to see. I have never once done that. Not once. And it boils my blood faster than Kelly Ripa's Electrolux 90 second induction cooktop that there are so many young women (and men?) that have done it or do. It's sad that so many can't distinguish the difference between realizing it's normal to think hateful things towards someone and actually verbalizing those hateful things anonymously towards someone.

I'm all for honesty, really I am. If you don't like something I did - tell me. If you disagree with something I said so completely that you feel the need to go post about it - post it to me instead. I'd gladly have a mature conversation with you about our differences. Hell, maybe we might even learn something from each other. If you sense that I act like a stuck up bitch - shoot me a message and let me know. Maybe that'll be a wake up call for me and I can furthermore understand what I'm doing to make you feel that way. If you think the hat I wore two months ago was hideous - shit maybe everyone else does too and I should toss it. Criticism will always sting but if it's conveyed correctly, it can also be just as constructively beneficial. So why not tie up that comment you so desperately need to spew to the world up in a prettier looking package and send it straight to the intended recipient?

Because we're all human at the end of the day aren't we? We all make mistakes. We all fall down. We all say things we shouldn't. We all are disliked. We all are imperfect. But… we all get back up too. We all try to be better. We all have good. We all learn from each other. We all have a limited amount of time on this earth. So why waste any single precious moment of that on something destructive? It just doesn't make sense to me... 

Then again, maybe that's because I can still walk down 5th ave with "Happy" on repeat at the end of the day knowing I live life just a tad bit fuller because I don't publicly and anonymously bash others. But to each their own I guess, right?

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