House of Cards, Episode 1 starts now. Here goes nothing!
— Two Thirds Hazel (@TwoThirdsHazel) February 23, 2014
House of Cards season one: finished at 11:55pm on Sunday
Anddd House of Cards season one was just finished in one day. I seriously need a life...
— Two Thirds Hazel (@TwoThirdsHazel) February 24, 2014
But it didn't stop there. I had yesterday off from work and what better way is there to spend your day than by feeding your brain with more Netflix? The answer: there is no better way. At least in my eyes, because this girl started up again by pressing play on the second season a little after noon yesterday. I then finished the second season around midnight last night...
That's a little over 12 hours on Sunday and a little under 12 hours yesterday, giving us a grand total of 24 hours. P.S. I'm seriously SO smart at math if you hadn't noticed. #sarcasm There are 26 episodes in both seasons, all at about 50 minutes long. The math on this one is a little trickier but the general gist goes a little like this…
26 episodes X 50 minutes each, in 24 hours time = Erin needs help.
Two days. Two seasons of House of Cards completed. If that isn't the sign of an addictive personality then I don't know what is. #holyshit
— Two Thirds Hazel (@TwoThirdsHazel) February 25, 2014
And this was the point in time when I took the first step in knowing you're an addict; I admitted to having a problem. A very severe problem. It's as if I opened up a jar of rubber cement and pasted a line directly from my eyeballs to my MacBook. Because Kevin Spacey's face was about the only thing they saw for hours and hours (and hours) on end these past two days. And I couldn't force myself to do anything but keep them there for the entirety of it all.
I didn't drink anything because I didn't want to have to press pause and get up to pee.
And the one time I did have to finally go, I brought my laptop with me. Cute, Erin, real cute.
I ordered Chinese delivery on Seamless even though I had a meal leftover in the fridge that was perfectly ready to be heated up for two minutes. But that's two minutes that could be spent watching Frank Underwood take over the damn country. Obviously the logical option was to have a little Asian man deliver me chicken and broccoli with garlic sauce in a plastic bag, with plate and fork all ready to go. I even had the tip squared away online so I didn't have to spend time searching for my wallet in the disaster that is my disorganized Longchamp. Minimal eye-look-awayage as possible, people.
I avoided texts from people asking me to make plans.
I avoided a call from my father who was trying to explain to me that I should probably start thinking about doing blog business taxes. Side eye to that nonsense, because between you and me, I probably would have avoided that call regardless had I been enthralled in the Net of flix. Let's get serious now...
P.S. hi dad, love you!
I didn't even turn on my TV for a single second since starting the first episode. Not for Real Housewives, not for Vanderpump secrets, not for the Olympics closing ceremony, not even for (wait for it) the most shocking episode of The Bachelor… like, ever.
I was a straight up crack head force-feeding the episodes to myself. Nothing could stop me.
But I mean, come on now, have you SEEN House of Cards?! It's absolutely phenomenal. The characters, the plot twists, the suspense, the backstabbing, the deaths, the betrayal, the gorgeous actors. Seriously, you simply just cannot
Wait, yes there is. All of the Capitol Hill legislative mumble jumble that flies straight over my head. Anything to do with checks and balances and bill rulings makes my head spin faster than Kim Richards' during one of her whackadoo spaz attacks. And that makes me sound completely moronic but it's true. I could have easily gone for a few more love triangles and a little less of the one that consists of the three branches of our government.
But it's okay since the storyline makes up for all of that nonsense and then some.
I dare you to watch it and not come back saying the same thing. I dare you to get to the end and not find yourself waking up in a severe depression once you realize you'll have to wait an entire eternity before getting to watch the next season. Damn you, Netflix, for causing my productivity to take a bigger hit than Lil Wayne. Damn you, House of Cards, for being one of the best shows I've ever had the pleasure of watching and only releasing yourself once a year.
And damn you, Breaking Bad, for forcing me to just use "one of the best" in that last sentence. Because you, my dear meth-making phenomenon, still hold the #1 spot for TV badassery.
No wonder I dressed up as hard drugs for Halloween. Jesse Pinkman forever and for always. But seriously, go watch House of Cards. And then go ahead and comment letting me know I'm not the only foolbag that binges on television shows as badly as this. Please for the sake of my sanity.