Miss Independence?

Oh hello sexiest man alive. The original copy of this picture of you went even farther down (with some other whore's hands covering up your junk) (P.S. what the hell is that about Adam?) but for the sake of all things PG I decided to crop that out before posting it up in here. 

And I am officially already regretting this decision. At least my Grama will be pleased. Or not since, you know, she's a pretty hip Grama. The kind that brought brownies to a hippie festival sprinkled with Oregano on top and dubbed them her "special brownies". Gotta love that woman.

I digress.

So there's Adam. Sexiest panty dropper around at the current moment. That is besides Victoria Grayson's son, Patrick, who makes my heart do a double take every time he walks his perfectly chiseled face onto my TV screen. Oh and then there's also Juan Pablo who did the same thing right before Revenge too. ABC certainly was killing it with the female demographic last night. Let's give them some Lady Gaga applause applause applause for that.

God damnit, I digress again.

I really need to get this head of mine on track today. Obviously my brain is off swimming around in a pool of question marks and utter chaos right now, even though I really am trying to focus on the point of this post. Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead? I mean three shirtless hot dudes can count as a successful post right? Yeah probably not. Good thing "make logical sense and have solidified morals to each and every one of my blog posts" wasn't on my list of Four Things to Work on in 2014. That would've been entirely too big of a goal to set for myself. 

I swear there is a point to this, though. That being the quote I decided to slap on top of that babe of a body way up there. Don't worry, it was called for since Adam was actually the one that said it. I would never deface gorgeous property like that if it weren't for good reason, trust me.

"I'm fiercely independent but I'm also terrified of being alone." - Adam Levine

Truer words have never been spoken my friend. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like I can sum myself up so perfectly in one sentence yet at the same time end up contradicting myself all within those same ten words. Apparently there are other fucked up individuals besides myself in this world we live in? Shocking, really.

Because I am honestly extremely independent. Yet I never really even realized it until recently when someone called me independent so matter of fact like. Like it was something that was so obvious, something that I should've already known about myself. 

And as I step out of my shell and take a magnifying glass to my life, I can certainly see it. I like my alone time more than most people I know. I thrive on it. If I couldn't go home after work, take my pants off, sit my ass on the couch, do whatever I damn pleased without answering anyone (or worse, having to carry on a conversation with someone) all while soaking up all of the shit going on in my head all by myself, I'd probably go nuts. 

No I know I would go nuts. I will always need that time. I don't require constant communication with someone or something to still be okay. I don't get antsy like many others I know who need to always be around other people or engaged in something in order to feel alive. I'm all good by myself. Making dinner by myself. Paying bills by myself. Grocery shopping by myself. Watching a sappy romcom by myself. Having validation in what I do on a daily basis without needing reinforcement from anyone but myself. I do it all just fine and I will always need that "I can't be on top of you every day or else I'll go nuts" alone time no matter what. Which, I guess, all makes me fiercely independent?

Yet I have honestly never ever looked at myself that way (hence the question mark). And that's probably because of the second half of the quote. The "terrified of being alone" part. Because I am wholeheartedly, 100% that too. Yeah I get by just fine doing everything in life by myself, but the thing is, I don't want to do everything in life by myself.

I want there to be someone else in my life who will come home at the end of the day to eat whatever has been cooking up in the Crock Pot. I want someone to compromise with on everyday mundane tasks such as who's paying the rent and who's picking up the grocery bills. I want someone to go food shopping with to have every intent on grabbing something healthy yet ending up with a six pack of Corona and an ice cream cake. I want someone to snuggle the shit out of while watching Love, Actually just so I can relate my life a little bit more than I already do to the movies. I want someone there to give me even more validation that I already give myself. I want a best friend to go through life with.

Yes, I will always enjoy my independence but I am still completely and utterly terrified of the potential of always having to be that way. Thus further more establishing the continued chaos and confusion of the brain behind Two Thirds Hazel. Good lord, I really didn't expect to get that carried away on a Monday morning. Welp, so much for that.