I'm currently on my way downtown to the bowels of Manhattan's Financial District heading to jury duty. I had a solid five years of adult life before being called to fulfill my civic duty but today marks the day that all changes. I packed seven zip lock baggies worth of snacks, my laptop is fully charged, and I dumped the wine out of my tervis and replaced it with water. It's a sad day blog friends. You see most people would consider a day in the court a "vacation" from being handcuffed to their office computers and work emails but when you have the best job in the world, you'd much rather head back to napping and making concoctions out of bananas and cheerios.
Which by the way are pretty darn delicious when you add a spoonful of Nutella to the mix. Seriously just break a banana in half, slather it with some chocolaty goodness and roll the baby around in a bed of Cheerios. Your taste buds will thank you. But they should probably be thanking me since I'm the one that enlightened you to the heavenly treat.
We're getting off track here.
The point of this post is to give
you me ways to get out of that whole jury duty thing I was discussing before I got sidetracked by sweet stuff. So here are nine ways to make all of that possible if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. Which you obviously will since it's mandatory and all. That is unless you've been convicted of a felony or aren't a U.S. Citizen. And if you fall into the first category I advise you to just throw on a Sombrero and pretend to be a part of the second.
1// When being questioned in your interview, start off by saying "Don't worry, I binged on Law and Order before I got here, I've got this."
2// Upon walking into the courthouse, immediately ask where the closest bathroom is in order to ease the pain (literally) of your irritable bowel syndrome issues. Do try to mention that you usually use the restroom in thirty minute intervals but you'll "try your very best to last longer".
3// Ask in bewilderment why your jury duty notice was dropped off by your usual U.S. Postal Service worker and not the Grinch himself.
4// At any point at all throughout your entire day yell out in a frantic and paranoid tone "The voices are telling me he's innocent!"
5// Find another potential juror in the room who wants to get out of their civic duty, conjure up the most genius plan to pretend you are past acquaintances from sorority life in college, cat fight and argue like hell with your fellow fake acquaintance about how you both are now unknowingly dating the same guy, get escorted out of the courthouse.
6// Figure out how to style your hair into two buns and channel Princess Leia a la Liz Lemon a la Tina Fey. Then make your way to the nearest cocktail.
7// Mention your disgust as to why the electric chair is now outlawed in your state because you really would have loved to convict someone to death by it. Maybe throw in a few evil "muahaha" laughs while you're at it.
8// Ignore anyone who asks you a question for a solid thirty seconds before looking up and muttering "What? I'm sorry I have terrible hearing and I honestly can't hear for shit unless I have my hearing aids in. But I should have them back in two days so can you pretty please with a cherry on top not send me home?"
9// Dress up in the most obnoxious red, white and blue outfit that you can get your hands on and proceed to let everyone know that it's been your life long dream to be called to serve your country. Then proceed to ask the judge for his autograph…on your left tit.
A big thanks to Kathrin
and the many more who tweeted me options on how to get myself out of this thing today. Here's to hoping one of these works! See ya on the other side blogland.