If Only My Parents Knew…

Goody two shoes, brown noser, angel child. That was me growing up. I didn't do anything bad, I never got in trouble, I was never sent to detention, I got straight A's, I did whatever my parents told me, I didn't do drugs, alcohol went (mostly) untouched until I was given the "green light", I never fought with my mother, I didn't have sex until after graduating high school, I didn't sneak out (of my own house at least), and I was never once grounded. 


And despite my hair not changing from pre-school to elementary, I was a pretty damn good kid if I do say so myself. And it honestly scares the shit out of me. 

What happens if I one day end up with a child who's the exact opposite of me? A child that chooses to wear slutty clothes to school and will tell me she hates my guts and hopes I die when I tell her to walk straight back to the closet to try again. A child that lies about staying after school for extra help because she's out behind the playground swapping spit with Johnny Bravo. A child that attempts to fill my liquor bottles up with water after she's made her and her friends a drink (girlfriend will really regret that one, let me tell you). Or how about a child that tries drugs, or worse, a child that actually enjoys and gets addicted to them. What in the hell happens then?

I didn't do any of these things so it'd be damn near impossible for me to relate. Sure I had some friends who did so it won't be too hard to see the signs, but it'd definitely be an adventure trying to steer someone completely unlike me through the realms of adolescence. Here's to hoping that whole "nature versus nurture" thing weighs in on the nurture side of the scale if I ever end up with a child made up entirely of chromosomes genetically opposite from my own. Because lord help me whenever we reach the day that she's old enough to make an "If only my parents knew…" list and I come to find out all of the horrors that went down behind my back.

My own list is pretty simple, straight, and narrow since, you know, I was nothing short of the most perfect child anyone could've ever been blessed with. I kid I kid. But in all honesty there aren't too many things (if any) that my parents don't already know about. And I'm not saying that just because they read my blog (hi mom and dad) it's just actually the truth. Seeing as I am co-hosting this link up and all, I'm going to give you my list anyway. If you'd like to play along be sure to check out the brains behind this entire idea, Rebecca, over at Mommy In Heels and then link up your post below!


1// That I used to feed anything I didn't like from dinner to one of the dogs underneath the dining room table. My mom must have thought I really loved fish sticks with how fast they'd disappear off my plate and into the mouth of a drooling canine.

2// All of those "groceries" I bought at WalMart with the credit card paid for by my parents? Yeah a third of every other bill was shit for all the sorority crafts I used to make. Whoops.

3// And all of those miles wracked up on their car that I brought with me to school? They weren't from getting around campus like the good scholar that I was. They just came from taking the two hour trip home every single weekend to see my boyfriend of the time. 

4// That my monthly rent at my previous apartment was $1300 a month (thanks Manhattan) instead of the $1200 that I continuously told them so that they'd let me sign the lease. Apparently that extra hundo each month would've killed me though, right dad? Look who survived just fine without having to sell her soul.

5// That I didn't move to New York City four years ago for an internship at Donna Karan but rather for a stripping position that opened up at Private Eyes Gentleman's Club. Hey, I had to put those  high school cheerleading skills to use somehow. #splitsfortips

Okay sike, I totally just made that last one up. But I had to add a little excitement in here somewhere before I got bored with my own damn self. Maybe I should've lived a bit more on the wrong side of the tracks back in the day? Nah…now I just have expectations for my own future kids. Sorry 'bout your life, future spawn, you're not going to get away with a damn thing.