I Hate Talking On The Phone

I'm a product of my generation in that I am constantly glued to my phone. At work, on the subway to work, walking across the street (how have I not been run over?) (someone give me a piece of wood to knock on), in the bathroom, right when I wake up, right before I go to bed, while watching tv, while eating dinner. Hell, I'll probably be on my phone when I say "I do" at this point. P.S. that was a total joke, future husband, please still give me a shiny ring and snuggle me forever.

But one thing I do not do on my phone at every second of the waking day is use it to physically speak to people. Like to call and sit there actually talking and all that? I despise it. And I rarely ever do it. Unless you are my mother or Meghan (who insists on calling me even though she knows full and well that I hate it), you probably won't be having a conversation on the phone with me any time soon. 

If I'm hungry and want to order Chinese food at 11am as soon as the restaurants open on a Saturday morning after a night out on the town? Seamless.com gets my order. If my Internet is being a royal pain in the ass and grinding its gears slower than an obese man sitting on the back of a snail? I will suck it up for months before finally breaking down and calling Time Warner. If an unknown number calls me at any point in time? Deny deny deny and hope to hell they don't follow up with a voicemail. If I have to call my lady doctor to get the results of my yearly check up? I call my lady doctor to get the results of my yearly check up. Come on guys, there has to be a line drawn somewhere...

But why exactly do I hate talking on the phone so much? It's a pretty normal part of life. Kind of like cracking a cold beer open on a Friday night or wishing your jeans fit just right even after coming out of the dryer. But apparently this isn't the case for me. Here's a few reasons why…

1// I am awkward. I am even more awkward on the phone. 

2// My phone talking voice is apparently that of a sleep walking zombie's. Whenever anyone calls me they ask if they've just woken me up from a nap. This is not a lie, it happens 3/4's of the time. Over the years I've tried to make myself sound overly excited to receive calls just to overcompensate for this. Over the years I've also realized that this method of madness still doesn't work. I guess I have a bitchy resting face and a sleepy phone talking voice.

3// How does one check all forms of social media and catch up on Real Housewives all while talking on the phone? I can't put it on speaker so that I can check my twitter app or else you'll hear Brandi dropping eff bombs in the background. #firstworldproblems

4// I like to eat. I can't eat and talk to you on the phone all at the same time.

5// Five seconds of silence in real life equals five million seconds of silence when having a conversation over the phone. Here we go again with the awkward areas of life I do my best to avoid at all costs.

6// If you really want an update on my life you'd probably get a better idea of what's going on just by scrolling through my damn Twitter timeline. "Waking up sucks, Chipotle tastes good, why is this guy taking up so much room on the bus, oh look I pulled out some Christmas decor, The Bachelor is the best show ever, how did that bottle of wine become empty so fast, beds are so comfy, why can't I sleep, I just dropped my phone on my face while checking Instagram." See? An entire play-by-play of my day right before your very eyes and I didn't even have to speak to you.

7// I run out of shit to talk about after the first two minutes. My life isn't really ALL that exciting. 

8// If you interrupt the person on the other end accidentally you have to attempt to be a nice person and say something like "Oh I'm sorry, go ahead" even though whatever you had to say was probably more important anyway.

9// There's no easy way to get off the phone. The only thing that really works is just clicking the 'end' button and texting them back to say "Whoops, lost ya but I have to get going anyway." Not that I've ever done that or anything, totally speaking from a friend's experience.

10// Simply put, talking on the phone is just too damn hard. Even the naked baby said so.