An Open Letter to Pumpkin Spice

Who are you what have you done with the entire population that I call humanity? You swooped in faster than Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball. Except for you make people fat and Miley's skinny non-existent ass makes me feel like the one bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios I just had for breakfast is already too many calories to intake in one day.

I have a bone to pick with you though Mr. Pumpkin Spice. Yes, I'm going to make you a "he" instead of a "she" because there are more women trying to hop on your train and ride you all the way home than there are trying to hop on Channing Tatum and Luke Bryan's combined. And that's saying something my man because lord knows bitches be cray for those two. More cray than the fact that adolescent boys will now get bones every time they come in contact with a sledgehammer.


Enough with the "She's just being Miley" jokes. I digress back to that bone. The one I have to pick with Pumpkin Spice, not the teenage boy one. (Am I drunk this morning?) Anyway, I really, really, dislike you Pumpkin Spice. 


There. I said it. I came out of the closet. And I really don't mean to offend you Mr. Pump. Really, I don't. There's just so many reasons why it's so easy for me to hate you so much that I want to smash you. I mean there's even a song dedicated to doing just that. But I guess that's not really going to suffice  as reason enough to write you hate mail now does it? I guess maybe I should give you a couple reasons as to why I think you should rot away on a porch without even so much as a your own pillowcase of trick o' treat candy.

Reason One: You just straight up sound gross.

I don't like the taste of anything pumpkin. Nope, not even pumpkin pie. I know, I'm not American or human or normal or whatever. I also don't really understand the whole second part of your name. Spice. Spice Girls? All for it. Spice Thai restaurant here in NYC? Definitely all for it. Spice teaming up with something that came out of the ground that should be reserved solely for carving and having a candle stuck in it? No sir. 

You have zero intrigue for my taste buds. It's not your fault you're the spawn of two yucky things though. Take it from baby North. She'll know exactly how you feel in a couple years.


Reason Two: You have taken over the entire grocery store.

I would have been just fine if you stuck to your lattes. I can handle Starbucks being taken over by freaks every season. I avoid that place like I avoid the one subway car with the homeless dude sprawled out taking a snooze. And coffee is disgusting no matter what trendy flavor you tack on to the front of its name so I was good on that front.

But you didn't stop there, Spice. You just kept going and going and going. Stick some bunny ears on your head and a drum between your hands and you have yourself the most fitting Halloween costume yet. And that's not a joke, my friend. Here let me show you all of the products you got your sticky little spice sticks all over.

First up we have the not so crazy. You took over coffee so obviously you took over the creamer too. Fine, I accept it.


Then you spread to candles. Alright...this makes sense too. Candles are supposed to have all sorts of different scents. If there can be a grass stain scented candle then there most certainly can be a pumpkin spice scented candle. Except for the Yankee company decided to be a little edgy and switch your names up all backwards like. I'm confused by this too, don't you worry.


But yesterday I came across some things that made me even more confused than a flip flopped candle. Those things would be these things:


Pumpkin spice butter, pumpkin spice marshmallows, pumpkin spice cream cheese, pumpkin spice Pringles, pumpkin spice M&M's, pumpkin spice Eggo waffles. This has to be a sick joke, dude. You're on all the things! You've covered everything from snacks to candy. What's next? Pumpkin spice flavored condoms? Seriously now, this has just gone way too far.

And this brings us to the final reason as to why I really, really don't like you.

Reason Three: I'm not as smart as you are.

In all reality I'm just insanely jealous that you get to be the center of attention for all things food during my most favorite season of the year. Everyone knows who you are. Everyone waits frantically until you start showing up in stores. Everyone tweets about you and instagrams pictures of you. Everyone loves the shit out of you. It's just not fair for one non-living thing to have so much attention.
Dear Pumpkin Spice, I really just wish that I was you.
Sincerely, 
A boring non-flavored jealous human