Shark Bait Hoo Ha Ha

So last night I experienced another first. Shark Week. I've never watched it before. Never understood all the hype before. Never quite realized why anyone would be so insanely excited to sit down and watch the Discovery Channel for two hours to see nothing but beasts that make you fear the beach before even stepping an Old Navy flip flop on it. But then I sat down and did just that last night. With some FroYo in hand just to top off the whole experience.

And guess what? I actually liked more than just my strawberry lemonade and cookie dough bite concoction. I turned into a Shark Week junkie faster than you can say 'bite me'. And then I decided that talking about Shark Week would be way more exciting than talking about my weekend. So I whipped out my iPhone notes and tapped away while watching that damn mockumentary about a shark named Megalodon that most likely doesn't exist anywhere but in my dreams last night.

Here we go (please excuse the formatting of this post, Blogger must've stayed up too late watching the same thing last night):

If you ask me what I want for Christmas I will now answer with two words; CHUM GUN. Do you know how many people I'd like to aim one of those suckers, I mean shooters, at? P.S. Why hasn't Jack Ass done this as a skit yet? 

What the f*ck is a Megalodon? Is it related to Nickelodeon?

How big is 62 feet, exactly?

The size of me to this shark = the size of a gummy worm to me. Which is also way too terrifying to even comprehend.

P.S. I could really go for some gummy sharks right about now. Where's a Wegman's bulk candy section when you need one?

I will not be stepping foot into the ocean ever again unless you stick Channing Tatum, Brad Pitt, Albie Manzo and David Beckam all in there naked. I'd probably surf on a shark if it meant that I could see that.

P.S. Albie Manzo was at the same bar I was at on Saturday night and I didn't meet him. Epic fail of the century right there kids.

Why would you schedule shark week to air on the same week as the Bachelorette finale?

Speaking of Bachelorette, move over Juan Pablo, I'm pretty sure Megalodon should win the race to be the next Bachelor.

(Speaking of Bachelorette again. The finale is tonight mother truckers and I am more excited than ever. Now just hand me a glass of wine and get me to eight o'clock and we'll be as golden as a Wonka ticket.)

Can we see this damn Megalodon already or what? I'm now getting antsy enough that I'm starting to just get pissed off.

Why are they doing this in the dead of night? If you want to see a beast of a shark don't you think you could do it a little better in the, idk, daylight? I mean I'm no genius here but...

Is Megalodon friends with Bruce and Dory?

I used to want to be a marine biologist when I was a little girl. 

I think I must have smoked crack when I was a little girl.

Wait, they're actually going IN the chum infested waters? Like legit just hopping in that shit to swim around and wait for a shark the size of a school bus to come out and play with them? Apparently I'm not the only one smoking the crack pipe.



Cue the peeing of the pants.


I actually want to die. Be still my heart.


Bu bu but, we seriously didn't even get to see Megalodon? Cue tourettes like expletives here.

I just sat through two hours of this bullshit to see a blip on a map dive down 6,500 feet?

Well played, Discovery Channel, well played.

But guys, where in the hell did that 40ft humpback whale decoy go? How do you lose a 40 ft slash 4 ton whale decoy? Things like that don't just disappear.

That whale decoy was bigger than my entire apartment. I could've put that thing to good use, damnit.

Is the Megalodon really for really real though? 

Is there a secret passageway at the bottom of the ocean filled with all things mythical? Like if I rent a submarine and take a trip down there will I find unicorns and Santa Claus and big foot and Manti Te'o's girlfriends and, wait for it, Hogwarts?

Sooooo, where does one rent a submarine?

Shark bait, hoo ha ha. I'm out of here.

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