Living in the Moment

I've been straight up struggling here lately. Plain and simple. This white box that used to be a blank canvas welcoming me in to spill the beans on anything and everything going on in my life has turned into a chore, a hardship, a task to check off the to-do list. And quite frankly, I hate it. I hate it mainly because my brain is currently insanely boring and I hate it because I can't figure out what's causing it.

Is it because I've just been non-stop going and going in my real life so I haven't had time to sit down and write about all of it?

Is it because I'm bored with blogging?

Is it because I tend to not want to do things as soon as I feel the sense of need to actually accomplish them for any reason other than my own enjoyment?

It is because coming up with something worthwhile to fill this space with every single day is just plain old difficult?

Is it because my life has suddenly become mushy and I'm scared to bring it all here?

Is it because I feel overwhelmed by it and just want to close it all down and sit on my couch and watch every single show on my DVR instead?

Yes. Yes to all of the above. If this was a checklist each one of these questions would be crossed out in red ten times over. 

There are so many things I love about blogging, obviously, but there are also so many that I hate. The mean girl high school negativity that finds its way into this place. The feeling that if you aren't posting something worthwhile every single day that someone might label you as boring or question why so many people care about reading about your life in the first place. The grey area that falls between sharing too much and not sharing enough. The undisclosed "rules" of the blog world that you're intended to follow even though the only reason you made a blog in the first place was to basically do whatever the hell you wanted and anyway. 

It's exhausting.

But for the past week, I've just been living in the moment and avoiding all of it completely. My twitter feed has been neglected like a five dollar umbrella in a hurricane, my Insta is so backed up with grams that people are getting likes from me 20 hours after their picture is actually posted, my camera roll is confused as to why there aren't snapshots of every moment of my life clogging up my phone space, and my blog game has been at a constant F- grade level.

And guess what, it feels amazing. 

Because for once, I'm just here. I'm soaking up everything happening in my life instead of consistently feeling the need to show everyone what is happening in my life. 

I laughed my ass off at the little asian hibachi man that sang "Baby please don't goooo" when I got up from the table to pee at dinner last Friday instead of tweeting about it. I danced and belted out every line of every Matchbox 20 song at the concert instead of recording and uploading it to Vine. I devoured the buffalo chicken mac and cheese I got at the Giants game instead of capturing it in the best angle and finding the most suiting filter for it on Instagram. And I'm experiencing exciting things without running straight to my Macbook and opening up a new draft to type them out for the world to see.

It's an amazing thing to let go of all the uploading and just simply download...but it sure does make it hard to be a blogger. Real hard. And that's all I've got for you today. Moral of the story: go buy the buffalo chicken mac and cheese at Metlife Stadium.

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