What's Next?

Every once in a while there comes a time when you have something you really want to write about but you just can't wrap your brain around all of it. You have absolutely no idea how to structure it into words let alone paragraphs. That once in a while is right about now. And it all has to do with this weird mood I found myself running into. These weird moods are a pain in my you know what, let me tell ya. I'd personally like to drop kick each and every one of them to Mars and then give them a few paper cuts in some not so pretty places but life isn't always that easy is it. 

And neither is blogging about them. I wish I could just plug my brain into this Macbook Air, say alright spill it sister, and all of my thoughts and emotions would just dance around this blank white box until they were satisfied and made sense. Too bad I'm not living in 2050, right?

But since I can't do that I'm just going to lay it all out there myself. It probably won't make any sense and I'll definitely be a rambling mess but that's besides the point. The point is that I mentioned this little life dilemma in a matter of two sentences the other day and still had people commenting saying they were going through somewhat of the same thing. So I decided I wasn't just a mental shitshow (wait yes I am) and this could be some Helluva Good blogging material. And that brings us here, to the age old question of…


But more importantly, where in the hell do I want to go next? That's the real kicker right there. I can easily tell you what I'm doing with my life right now. Eat (a lot), sleep (not as much as I need to), drink (too many) beers on the weekends, play with the cutest little man during the week, watch a crap ton of good television, blog, and repeat. Don't get me wrong, I'm honestly having a blast in my current situation. For instance, this is what I did yesterday...

Played in the sprinkler puddles, read The Very Hungry Caterpillar (one of my all-time favorites) and colored with crayons. Not pictured: watching housewife talk shows, blogging, and hanging out on the couch. Life could be so much worse, I know.

I mean I could have a "real" job right now. You know, one that involves a desk, a boss, deadlines, crunching numbers, teamwork, and set vacation days. Blegh. And if I know one answer to that "what's next" question, it most certainly doesn't involve ever going back to an ounce of that bullshit. The corporate world just isn't for me and never will be. 

I still vividly remember my first day at my first office job of being a head hunter when it was lunch time and I wondered where the break room was to eat. I then found out that the break room was my desk and there was no such thing as a "break". Except for I closed all of my computer programs and pushed my work to the side so I could sit there eating my food in peace and quite. That is until the boss man looked over at me and goes "Why is your computer blank, is there nothing for you to work on right now, go find someone to give you something." And I was blown away. I can't even get twenty minutes of alone time with my god damn leftover chicken and rice during this ten hour work day? And then I realized that's just the way of the busy corporate world and soon after that I realized I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. 

I'm much more of the type that works best by themselves away from the chaos, deadlines and "real job" type stuff. I'm so much better at tie dying and feeding babies finger foods. I mean after all, "a mom" has always been my answer when people ask what I want to be when I grow up. I just try not to mention it on first and/or second, third, fourth, and fifth dates. But then I think to myself, is nannying what I always want to do forever? The answer is possibly. I think I'd be pretty content doing this until I get married and have my own kids. And then that role would just switch over to SAHM and I'd be even happier. Or just be one of those moms that posts crap like this on Facebook to annoy the world:


But I still have this huge Auntie Anne's sized pretzel knot floating around deep inside that wants change. The only problem is I don't know where to make that change. Going back to school? Possibly for graphic design because I'm loving this blog design thing I have going on? Maybe. But lately, my mind has been more on the track of moving. As in moving out of New York City. 

GASP! 

I'm going on four years of living in this absolutely breathtakingly wonderful, vibrant, "you can never be bored" city and while I'm still without a doubt in love with it, I'm also into exploring somewhere new. I'm finally at the point where I don't have a single thing tying me to this place. My nanny kid will eventually be going to daycare, there aren't any boyfriends keeping me around thanks to the stupidity of the last one who nixed the idea, and my apartment lease is up at the end of October. So ideally, November 1st would be the perfect time to make a change and jump around the map if I so choose to want to do so. 

I constantly think about it and always say that sometimes I just want to pack up and move somewhere completely new, but then I come back down to reality and call myself nuts. But nuts was moving to a city that takes every dime from you and spits you out into a local dive bar so moving away from here would actually be somewhat sane. Right?

Having an apartment with a monthly rent bill that doesn't cost the price of this lap top would be great. Being able to go to the grocery store and buy four bags of food for less than $50 would be pretty spectacular. Meeting people that think settling down doesn't need to be on the back burner until the age of 30 might not be horrible. Finally getting the chance to have a PUPPY would be fantastical beyond belief and I wouldn't have to ask my parents to put theirs in a box and send her to me.


But is that really what I want to do? How in the heck do I know? Is this just one of those moments where I'm wanting what I can't have? Because if we're being honest, I tend to live every aspect of my life that way and as soon as I finally get the thing that I want I no longer give a shit about it anymore. So if I move away to a new place am I going to do the same thing after three months and miss the hell out of this place because I don't have it anymore? Or is there just something completely different than my current location that could change and satisfy that knot? Ay caramba. 

And that is why my head is spinning out of control. And that is why this blog post has gone in about sixteen and a half circles. I should just tell myself to enjoy the journey instead of worrying about the destination but then again I won't reach any particular destination if I don't hold the journey's hand and lead it in the right direction. So here I sit and wait until I figure out my next move. 

Do you ever feel the need to randomly make a life change? Have you followed through?

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