My Dating Disaster: (LINK UP)

One To Nothin


Ask me to write about that and my first instinct is to want to stick my head in a beehive and run away forever. It's something that will only ever grace the pages of this blog once things are serious. Like Facebook relationship status, I foresee a little blue box coming my way someday, you've met my parents, I can tell you that your breath stinks and have it be okay serious. And I don't get to that point too often in life. Twice actually, ever. I talked about the first one in that post about me turning into a bat shit crazy chick - if you haven't read that you should probably go do it; it'll make you feel sane. And the second was never introduced but was mentioned in one weekend recap post but not again until that one breakup post - don't read that one; it still hurts my heart that it's there. 

So that leaves me back in my cozy, comfy world of being single as a Pringle. Single is what I'm used to and I have to say that I do it pretty damn well. I can juggle quite the array of suitors pretty seamlessly and be perfectly content while doing so. It takes a lot to tie me down but a girl's still gotta eat and drink (on someone else's dime) and go out with the opposite sex every now and then, so I put in work and work it often. And that means I have quite a few dating stories under my belt. Awesome dates, horrible dates, awkward dates, drunken dates, what in the frick was I thinking dates. You name it, I've got it.

But this link up is about the disasters so that's exactly what I'll be giving you today. A true whirlwind of a disaster.

It all starts out with this one app called Tinder. Haven't heard of it? Good, don't search for it. It's a nightmare and a half. It's not really so much a dating app but more of a hey you're cute, you think I'm cute, want to go get drinks at happy hour or something, sure why in the hell not, I am thirsty after all kind of app. At least that's what I thought until I met dodo brain. (I honestly don't even remember his name at this point so I guess I'll go with a combination of dodo/idiot) So everything is all fine and dandy on this stupid app. He looked cute and he had a decent amount of game - what more can you really ask for on a blind date, right? In hindsight…apparently much, much more. 

We planned on meeting at a rooftop bar at 6:00. So I get there at 5:55 because I'm a sucker about being on time but he's "running a few minutes behind" so I say screw this I'm plopping my ass down at the bar and ordering a beer. And that's exactly what I did. 

A couple times. 

Thirty minutes go by and I'm just drinking my Blue Moon and feverishly refreshing every social media account in an attempt to not look like that weirdo sitting by herself at a bar looking like she got stood up. Ladies, if you want people to come hit on you then look like that weirdo sitting by herself at a bar looking like she got stood up. It's a gold mine for dudes to come talk to you. Something about looking "approachable" and "like I could use a date". Huh, that's funny I was thinking the same thing now that it's 6:45. But it's fine because I'm getting hit on by attractive guys and my beers turned free anyway so I'm still dandy as a lion. Meanwhile dodo is texting me asking how to get on the subway/how to a hail a cab. This right here is where I should have jumped off the roof. Is this real life right now that I have to explain how to navigate the streets of New York City to my date? Get your shit together dude, it's not rocket science and it's not a good look for someone trying to impress a girl.

Whatever, so he finally arrives at the bar…while I'm still talking to the other guy who's been buying me drinks since I was dateless for over an hour. Awkward fest number one begins while I try to introduce Suitor A to Suitor B who I too have never met and have to introduce myself to as well. I'm not sure how I got out of that situation. Oh I know, another Moon. So then the date actually begins. Unfortunately. I have no idea what we talked about at that bar. All I remember was that he was not as cute as his pictures (shocking) and had 1/16th of the amount of game that he conveyed through text. This was sure to go smashingly well…

We then somehow ended up leaving the bar because I decided I was hungry and needed massaman curry right at that very moment. So we walked a few blocks to a really kick ass Thai restaurant (this was my only win of the entire night by the way) and then awkwardness continued. The place didn't serve alcohol and obviously I needed some for this little shindig so he left to go buy a six pack down the street. This is about the time I started texting people asking what the hell I was thinking for doing such a moronic thing as meet someone on a stupid dating app. And then he was back. And things got real weird. He completely stopped talking and started to just stare at his food. So I started shoveling my own in my mouth (I mean why not right?) and decided it was a good thing that we were on the same page. Until he then somehow got feisty with me about who knows what? Maybe the drug deal he did on the way back from getting beer didn't go very well but the crazy kid was stranger than ever. 

Then the bill comes. I pull out my card to do that whole "I'm trying to look like I'm offering but you're going to say put that away and I'm going to say no but really and you say no really I got it and I smile and say thank you" except for then he took my card and asked the waitress to split it…by the amount of our meals. Whoa buddy. This is kind of an unspoken rule to me. First date, dude pays. First few dates, dude pays. Once you get into it then I'm fine paying for shit too and all that jazz but the first date and you're making me split it by the actual dollar of our meals with you? You're buggin' But then it continues. Because after we sign our checks he asks if I want to go walk around. And this is where my head about explodes from confusion. He was weird as shit, acted like a crack head, didn't speak to me for a solid ten minutes of dinner, made me pay, yet still wants to continue the date? Have pigs started flying while we were in the restaurant or have I officially checked into the land of the looney?

My response went something along the lines of this: "There's still beer left, I think I'm going to let you go and I'll stay here and drink it."

He says: "Oh okay I can do that with you."

I say: "No really you should go." 

He then leaves and texts me: "I had a really good time tonight."

My response in my seat in the restaurant: "aoie;akmlkamvpaijw;oeiraw;okenflkasmdv;apokwepjaw;oietja;owflaksmd SAY WHAT?"

I text back: "I'm sorry but I didn't. Next time you go on a first date you should probably pay for dinner. And show up not an hour late. And maybe not act like a stranger danger. Just a heads up for ya for next time."

He responds: "Well maybe if I actually had any interest in you I would have paid."

My response: "You seriously should look into some meds bro."

And then I finished the beers and forgot all about that night. Until a month later when I received a text from an unknown number (because I obviously deleted his and never spoke to him again). But it wasn't just a text…it was a picture in a text. And it wasn't just your average picture…it was a picture of something that rhymes with the first syllable of pickle and kind of looks like one too. Fabulous, just fabulous. And then I stopped going on dates with people I didn't know somehow through someone and started whipping out the pickle pick and shoving it in my friends' faces whenever I needed a good laugh.

Now it's your turn to spill the beans on one of your dating disasters. So get your post ready, slap the button on there somewhere, make sure you follow my co-host MacKensie and link up!

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