Welcome To My Crazy Kitchen

It's time for another session of cooking with dummies Erin. I think recipe posts are about as boring as watching infomercials at 3am on a Tuesday morning so I try my best to spice things up a bit for you. The serious cooking lingo will be left to Ina Garten and I hope I never resemble anything close to that annoying ass Italian chick, Giada. Stick me in a crock pot and cook me for an entire afternoon on high before I ever have to listen to that voice again. Can you say nails. on. a. chalkboard. I certainly can.

Anyway, today I bring you the best salad you will ever lay eyes taste buds on. It doesn't really have a name other than "The one that gets devoured in sixty seconds at any dish to pass party" or "The one you could down after the lettuce gets soggy and still want to high five yourself for eating something so damn good". But I guess for the sake of this post we'll go with "Crunchy Asian Salad" because it is, in fact, crunchy and the dressing tastes somewhat Asian. God I'm so literal. 


To get started you're going to need some things (shocker). Things besides your phone so that you can look at this post while you cook. Specifically these kinds of things:


Oh you want measurements? Well jeez, someone's a little bossy huh. I'm going to split the ingredients up into three different groups to make it easier on your head later on. Just go with it. You'll thank me later.

Group One:
1 bunch of Romaine lettuce (I'm really not sure what that little bundle is actually called?)
1 bunch of green onions (again with the lack of lingo here) (good thing I give you a picture)

Group Two:
1/4 cup of butter
1/4 cup of sliced almonds 
1/8 cup of sesame seeds (try not to roam around the store for an hour looking for these little pests like I did)
1 pack of Ramen chicken noodles and seasoning packet (the chicken kind) (if you eat any other kind then you're just weird)

Group Three:
1/3 cup of canola oil
1/4 cup of sugar
1/8 cup of vinegar
2 packets of soy sauce (aka run across the street to the China restaurant and steal some)

You got all that? Great - let's begin.

Group One:
This one's the easiest. I can do this one drunk, in my sleep, with my eyes closed. All you have to do is chop up the lettuce and green onions. Bam, step one complete. Nice work, you can now host your own show on The Food Network. But be sure to take after Guy Fieri or I won't watch you. He's the best there is. Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives - all day erryday.


Group Two:
Throw all of these ingredients into a pan and until things get a nice golden brown to them. This is somewhat of an art. Kind of like when you roast marshmallows at a campfire. (P.S. since when do we spell it mAllows instead of mEllows...am I drunk?) (Don't answer that last question). What I'm saying is  this: don't be the asshole that sticks the whole damn stick in the fire and torches everything within one millisecond. Take your time. And maybe wait a minute before adding in the sliced almonds because those things burn faster than an Albino on the Fourth of July.


And if you've never roasted a mellow in your life and don't know what a toasty golden brown looks like please get out and go live a little here is a picture of the end result. Oh and I forgot to tell you to crunch up the Ramen noodles before sticking them in the pan. ***This is a key step!*** You want them small enough to just be little crunches of excitement in your mouth, not big chunks.


Group Three:
Pour all of the ingredients into a sauce pan. Bring to a boil for one minute. Aka sing half of the Wagon Wheel song and then turn that shit off. Then be really patient and just let it sit there and cool down. It's tough I know, but it must be done. You want to keep your taste buds, not scorch them. Your end result will be your salad dressing. Oooh ahhh!


So what's left? Oh just piling group one into a bowl and then group two on top of that and then group three on top of that. And there you have yourself one heck of a salad that looks a little like this:


As you can see mine has chicken added on top. There are no special instructions for this. It's just your plain old bird seasoned with a little salt and pepper. I keep my kitchen life pretty simple. This salad absolutely does not need chicken to make it taste good, trust me. But I decided to make the salad my meal this week so a protein was needed. (I say that like I actually give a crap if I check off each level of the food pyramid every day...) Obviously you can add whatever else you'd like to this - tofu, shrimp, steak, extra veggies, pop rocks, you name it.


Also, if you are going to be bringing this as a dish to pass make sure you bring all three of the groups in separate containers or else things will get real soggy real quick and this "Crunchy" salad will turn into a "Hot mess" salad faster than you I can say "I'll have a Blue Moon" at happy hour.


And that concludes the latest installment of "Cooking with Two Thirds Hazel". I hope I have left you all with one thought and one thought only after reading this..."Did Erin really just convince me to make a salad when she doesn't even like lettuce?" Yes, yes she did.