If you don't want yours to rot away too then please avoid this post like you'd avoid a frat house toilet on the Sunday morning after homecoming.
Nothing good will come from either.
In reading this you will gain no knowledge.
You will lose brain cells.
You will waste five minutes of your life.
But you will gain myself as a friend if you can keep up with me.
Because that means you also had nothing better to do with your night than catch up on tv shows.
Anyway, I'm sitting here watching Once Upon A Time and I can't help but get real ticked off at the fact that they stole a Dementor right out of Azkaban to try to kill off Regina.
I mean really? This "soul sucker" (real creative naming system you got there ABC) is all ghost-like flying through the air in its black robes and then on top of that it legit sucks the life out of someone. How do you copy from HP?!
I rest my case...
This is about as bad as Teresa Giudice accusing Melissa Gorga of being a copy cat for wearing glittery eye shadow a season after she wore it herself.
P.S. Since when do we pronounce Giudice as "Jew Dee Chay" instead of "Jew Dice"?
P.P.S. Where and when can I get my hands on one of Kathy's cannoli kits?
Good look Kath, is this picture the reason why you redid your whole face...
I've never tried any of these housewife get rich quick products but I certainly do want to be a goddess in the kitchen.
I am in love with cannolis.
If I could get in there and wrap myself up in that chocolaty goodness I probably would.
Please excuse that brief intermission, I was a little busy consuming half of the one pound bag of grapes I purchased on the way home from work this afternoon.
I'm that creep that asks the fruit stand guy if she can try one of the grapes before actually purchasing said grapes.
Oh hey, that's me, the crazy chick stealing grapes off New York City streets.
But it's because I need my grapes to crunch. I correlate it to biting into an eyeball (because I do that on the reg). There's that first tough layer you have to sink your teeth into and then boom a squirt of grapey goodness explodes in your mouth.
You know that sensation? Well I need that every time. If a grape feels squishy - trash it. I'm a hardcore grape eater, duds don't get by me.
That intermission was for some scrambled eggs.
No back story for ya on this one.
And now we're onto the Real Housewives of New York finale. These bitches ain't got nothin' on the loons from across the Hudson but good lord do they still give my exhausted little head a pounding.
We all know Ramona Singer is out of her damn mind but I have to give the Pinot Princess credit on this Aviva battle. The girl would win an Andy Cohen poll against Aviva ten times over on this whole St. Barts / psychotic chick / creepy dad fight thing.
The only thing Aviva wins is with her rockin' bod, prosthesis and all.
And Carole? Oh Carole.
How did she make it out alive.
She must be the only sane housewife to ever grace any season of this show in any city ever. That woman has her head on straight. No wonder she landed a Kennedy(ish) man.
But that my friends is enough tv for one night. I may or may not have also watched two hours of The Voice in there somewhere as well - yelling at Xtina's tatas and drooling over Adam's everything the whole way through. But that's for you to decide.
I'm deciding to do the most productive thing I've done all evening...sleep.
I was a real winner tonight ladies. Feel free to judge.
Or feel free to join my petition in making the television gods not schedule all my favorite shows on Sundays and Mondays so I can get my life back.
That is until this hunk of a lunk comes back on Monday nights.
P.S. I heard Kacie B from Ben's season is back.
You know that overly bubble, you can't honestly be that sweet baton twirler?
Yeah, pretty sure I called that they'd be the perfect All-American, Jesus-loving couple months ago.
I hope they work it on out this season.
And now I will refrain from discussing television for the entire month of October.
And that was a false statement.