Lovely Letters

Dear Bow Ring: I could wear you all day errday and never get sick of your cute little self. When in doubt put a bow on it but when looking at your sausage fingers blame your father's gene pool.

Dear Mr. Feeny: You don't belong on Grey's Anatomy you silly goose. Get back to the classroom and shape the young minds of us 90's kids.

Dear "Processing": I never knew I could despise a word so much as you. I would really appreciate you switching over to "Delivered" so you can give me my long-awaited iPhone 5 already. I mean these past two weeks of waiting are really messing up my cracked screen record.

Dear Lil Baby Punks: I want ten thousand of you to put in every inch of my apartment. You are cuter than a toddler in Hunter rain boots.

Dear United Nations: You were the biggest pain in my impatient ass this week. The amount of cops, barricades, suited men, road closures, foreigners, protesters, etc. was just way too much. Obama can get his you know what back to D.C. so I can cross the street without the fear of being run over by a motorcade.

Dear "LOOK!" Signs: You're supposed to make me stop walking and iPhoning while crossing streets but I'm pretty sure these four letters aren't going to do the trick. How 'bout an outline of a dead body with some bright red blood stains. Maybe that might wake me up. Too much?

Dear Joseph Gordon-Levitt: How in the heyylll did I miss your dance moves on SNL last weekend?! I am sincerely ashamed of myself. Hot damn man my umbrella is feeling a little neglected compared to yours.