The Bachelorette Recap

Episode #7



Date with Arie:

Was I the only one that thought all this hubalub with the producer was a frick ton more lame than I was expecting?

My human side is actually happy that it wasn't because I really do like Arie and it would be a shame to see him go because of some scandal.

But my reality TV craving brat side definitely wanted some beef to go down.

Date with John:

I don't think I could tell you a single thing about this date.

Once again, I was stuffing my face during it, but still it was about twelve hours ago and my little brain has nothing.

I guess this was a sure tell sign that I was positive he was going home.

The only part I DO remember about John's date was after he had already gotten home.

It was definitely all set up but I loved that Sean went running through the streets trying to find her.

As for why on Earth she was walking by herself through a dark tunnel in a foreign city? Hmm producers? Yeah. Lame.

But still, that girl lit up brighter than the bare gay asses I saw at the Pride parade on Sunday.

Emily loves her some Sean. Erin does too.

Group Date:

The Croc wearing, no self confidence, socially awkward, cry baby went home.

The clouds aligned, the skies opened up, and the birds of Czech rejoiced.

Maybe it was the music giving us hints, but HOW ON EARTH did he not understand that Emily's little speech was a goodbye sayonara I'm breaking up with you one and not a please plant the most awkward turtley kiss on me that you could ever summon up.

Good grief, I just can't.

Obviously my main man Sean was getting the rose.

And obviously the panicked "I could down a whole bottle of Xanax and still be shaking" Chris freaked out.

Whatevs.

Date with Jef:

I think this is one of my all time FAVORITE Bachelorette dates.

I now see in Jef what Emily has been seeing all along.

There. I said it. You're welcome.

But for real, can you say Beauty and the Beast's library?!

Holy crap, I even put down my snacks to get a good look at that place.

Absolutely stunning.

And then there was another puppet show. Another, yes.

But I loved this one!

Double stuffed Oreo loved it.

I thought Jef was the cutest thing ever and then at the end he goes...

"Can we buy a dog together?"

UMM, guys, I just about melted right then and there. It's like he reached out through the screen and touched my heart.

But it got even better.

They talked about real human things like living situation and kids. Because that shit actually does matter since we aren't actually living in some Disney Princess fairytale.

Although I had a hard time believing that myself in this scene.

And thennn there was the second best melt my heart moment of the date.

"I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you."

Yes. Just yes. Yes times thirteen thousand finity. YES.

That line goes in the top ten lines of Bachelor franchise history.

Rose Ceremony:

Blah.

We already knew John was going home.

Because I'm a telepathic genius, obviously.

But apparently Chris doesn't have such powers, nor did he listen to my Xanax advice because he was still shaking like a leaf in November.

Poor guy.

But can we talk about Emily's dress?

YUCK.

If she didn't have the sweetest little voice and southern charm accent I would have straight up thought she was a hooker.

The sequins, the royal blue, the cut and draping up the fabric around her tatas?

No thank you, my friend.

Try harder next week please.